That Way Madness Lies Read online

  I shrug. “Fine, I’m sure.”

  Sam watches me uncertainly. “They had a pretty intense relationship. Even if she did the dumping, I bet she’s upset.”

  The suggestion makes me laugh. “If I know Patience, she’s started planning her life in New York. Benjamin just doesn’t fit in.”

  “That sounds a little mercenary.” Sam’s voice is delicate.

  I huff. “You’re joking, right? Do you know my sister?”

  He sits down on the bed. It’s kind of forward, but I kind of don’t mind. He looks comfortable there. Not necessarily because he’s in the habit of sitting on girls’ beds. I get the impression it’s because his thoughts haven’t left his brother. “Patience has dinner with my family every Sunday night. I’ve gone to every one of her orchestra concerts with Benjamin. I’ve given her more rides to places than I have most of my friends. So, yeah,” he finishes. “I know her some.”

  I should just let it slide. Dragging Sam into drama with my sister isn’t necessary. But I feel suddenly claustrophobic in my own head, like everything I’m unable to say—to Mom, to Patience—needs out right now. “Did she tell you how she got the internship?”

  Sam frowns, uncomprehending. “No. I’m guessing she applied?”

  “Yeah,” I start. “She applied, after never saying she was interested in the internship I’d wanted and I’d found. I was the one who knew about the Duchy Law Group from my friend’s dad. She watched me spend months working on my application. When the results went out, I learned that not only did she secretly apply, but she got it over me.” Even saying the words heats me with embarrassment I resent. It’s not that I particularly care about the job itself. I’m not dying to be a lawyer. I just wanted the summer in New York City, a summer outside the isolated emptiness of where we live. More, I wanted something I could call mine.

  “Ah.” Sam shifts the collar of his now-drying shirt. “No, she didn’t mention that.”

  “Of course not.” I face away from him, not wanting him to see the hurt flush spreading in my cheeks. “Don’t worry about Patience. She’s getting what she wants.”

  “It must suck. Watching her head off to the internship you wanted,” Sam says measuredly.

  I’m conscious I just dumped a whole lot of very personal resentment on him, and I don’t care. It felt good. “What sucks is knowing your younger sister is smarter than you.”

  He reclines onto one elbow. The bottom of his shirt pulls up, revealing the skin of his stomach and the sharp line of his hip bone, which I distract myself from by remembering he’s sprawled on the white, crochet blanket Grandma knitted the year before she passed away. Focus on your dead grandma’s blanket, Prosper.

  “I don’t know,” Sam says, his lips curving playfully. “She did just dump my really awesome brother.”

  I laugh, improbably. “At least we don’t have to drive them to dates anymore.”

  “Or see them making out at school.”

  “Or hear them playing the ‘you say goodnight’ game on FaceTime at one in the morning.” Sam laughs now, and it’s nice, feeling my frustration with Patience ebb just a little. “Sometimes I wonder if Patience only pursued Benjamin because she knew you were my first kiss,” I say softer. “Like she has to do everything I do, but better.”

  Sam draws back, faux indignant. “Oh, so you’re saying my brother is a better first kiss than me?”

  Heat of a very different kind returns to my face. It’s the first time we’ve ever openly acknowledged our disastrous attempt at kissing in seventh grade. “Obviously, I don’t want to kiss your brother,” I clarified.

  “You sure? Because I hear he’s recently single.” He raises his eyebrow.

  “I’m just saying,” I start, my lips wobbling into a smile, “our first kiss was objectively the worst. You know it was. You couldn’t even look at me for weeks.”

  While he looks chagrined, there’s humor in his eyes, like he’s enjoying this. “To be fair, you did drool on my shirt.”

  I drop my head into my hands, and my hair falls over my elbows. “I know,” I groan. Looking up, I point a jokingly accusatory finger in his direction. “You stuck your tongue directly down my throat.”

  “Okay, yes, it was the worst.” He rubs his neck, uncomfortable. It’s kind of sweet, this objectively hot guy feeling abashed remembering his middle-school kissing incompetence.

  “So I told Patience what happened with us, and what does she do? She makes sure your younger brother is her first kiss. First everything, just to one-up me,” I say, not minding how petty I sound. I remember when Patience told Mom and me nonchalantly over dinner that she’d kissed Benjamin. Benjamin Campos, she confirmed, looking right at me.

  Sam doesn’t look indignant on my behalf. He pauses thoughtfully, running the edge of Grandma’s blanket in his fingers. “Maybe Patience just wants to be like you,” he suggests.

  It’s an idea I’d never considered, one I can’t fathom. The rain picks up on my windowpane, newly insistent. I say nothing, weighing how to reply. If you want to be like someone, wouldn’t you be nicer to them?

  I don’t have the chance to ask the question out loud. Sam’s voice is hesitant when he speaks. “You know, after we kissed, when I avoided you, it wasn’t because of anything you did.” I frown, and he continues, “Okay, I didn’t love the drool. But really, I was embarrassed. I’d had this huge crush on you, and finally I got to kiss you, and it was an absolute disaster. I didn’t know how to come back from that.”

  “You had a huge crush on me?” The question leaps out of me. I’m surprised and struck by how confidently he confessed it. I’d always assumed he just wanted his first kiss. Everyone wanted their first kiss on record in seventh grade, myself included. I never figured he wanted me, with my face full of freckles, frizzy red hair, and overly large soccer sweatshirts.

  “Why did you think I kissed you?” He sounds puzzled.

  “Just because?”

  “Wait.” Sam looks uncomfortable, like he was hit with a sudden stomachache. He sits up straighter on the bed. “Did you kiss me just because?”

  I remember seventh-grade Sam, his shaggy hair like every other guy’s in his grade, his scuffed skate shoes. “I thought you were really cute,” I say, his honesty encouraging mine. I really did. When Sam walked up to me during Chloe Michaels’s birthday party, I wondered if the fluttering in my stomach was the result of the cups of orange soda I’d had, then I decided it wasn’t.

  Reassured, Sam flops back on the bed. “Well, that’s something.” His eyes find mine, livelier, a flicker of impulsiveness in his dark irises. “I’m guessing the kiss erased that though, huh?”

  I still, startled by the implications of his question and the new direction of this conversation. Even the rain and wind outside seem to subside for the slightest moment, like they’re waiting.

  Neither of us ends up splitting the silence. Shouting erupts from downstairs. Sam’s and my wordless gazes fly to the door. In seconds, we rush into the hall and down the stairs, the whole house creaking and straining. I reach the living room, Sam on my heels, and find Patience in front of a hiccupping Benjamin.

  “Just tell me what I did wrong,” Benjamin pleads, his voice raised plaintively.

  Patience replies with uncharacteristic—well, patience. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “Hey, Ben, what did we talk about?” Sam steps forward. “Maybe we should go back upstairs?”

  Benjamin ignores him. He’s fixated on Patience, while my sister’s eyes remain determinedly on the corner of the room where the wall meets the graying carpet. “There has to be a reason,” he demands.

  I know my sister well enough to recognize the exact moment she’s pushed past her limit. Her face flushes, her eyes flinty. “I just don’t love you!” It’s like the wind’s finally ripped the door open and stolen the oxygen from the room.

  Nobody moves, everyone horrified and feeling incredibly uncomfortable. I want desperately to know how to fix this situation.
Unfortunately, I have nothing. When a wailing echoes into the room, I wonder for a second if Benjamin has started some sort of weird keening.

  In the same moment, each of us realizes it’s not Benjamin. It’s none of us. It’s the severe weather warning siren, whining distantly over the rooftops outside. Our phones sound off next, one by one. I read the screen of mine. Tornado warning. Take cover.

  Relief rushes into me. Even the upgrade of tornado watch into tornado warning isn’t uncommon in Oklahoma. It’s sometimes slightly scary but statistically unlikely to hit our house. Right now, it’s sparing us from the horrible tension in the room.

  I lead Benjamin and Sam to the safest room, the first-floor bathroom. While it’s tight for four people, it has no exterior walls. Patience follows the boys in, and they cluster around the toilet and the tub. I don’t join them, instead heading to find Ariel, whom I know will have hidden himself under my mom’s bed.

  Like usual, he protests. When I return to the bathroom, it’s with fresh scratches and a yowling cat. As I close the door, he wriggles from my arms, and when I look up, I realize the pissed-off cat is the least of my worries. Benjamin’s perched morosely on the lid of the toilet. Patience is on the floor near the tub, her back to one wall, the seashell-decorated hand towels nearly touching her shoulder while she stares at her phone. Sam, in the corner, looks painfully relieved he’s no longer the only other person in the room.

  I realize with dawning discomfort that it’s silent in here. The sounds of the storm and the sirens don’t reach this inner part of the house. Which is the point, I know—it’s safest in the small interior space. Safe and stiflingly awkward.

  “Anyone know any jokes?” I offer into the silence.

  Sam laughs. Patience doesn’t acknowledge I’ve spoken.

  “Our love was a joke,” Benjamin says. He sniffles exaggeratedly.

  Sam’s smile fades, and now Patience glances up, glaring. “Can you just try not to cry anymore?”

  Her ex-boyfriend’s face reddens. “Oh, I’m sorry my feelings are an inconvenience.” He puts dramatic emphasis on his words, and it’s different from his desperation earlier. He’s veered into anger. Behind the toilet, our furious cat hisses in what feels unnervingly like agreement.

  Patience drops her eyes to her phone, and I notice her expression’s no longer indifferent. She says nothing, her cheeks pinker. Compulsively, she pushes her hair behind her ear.

  Benjamin sniffles again then wipes his eyes.

  I catch panic flit over Patience’s face. She’s not enjoying this. She didn’t break up with Benjamin because she’s cruel. She just doesn’t love him, and now she’s trapped in this tiny bathroom watching him cry. It’s a nightmare. For the first time in a long time, I feel compelled to help my sister.

  “Sam, um.” I grope for a conversation starter. “What are your plans for the summer?”

  Sam glances at his brother, obviously picking up on the need for distraction. “I’m volunteering at the museum. How about you?”

  I’d intended to make idle conversation and didn’t expect I would find his reply interesting. The only museum nearby is an art museum forty minutes from here, where we went for a field trip in freshman year. I didn’t know Sam was into art. “I’ll be working,” I say, resenting the reminder of my usual checkout job at the grocery store. “But I’m thinking of taking a community college class.”

  Patience looks up. “You are? In what?”

  Her interest surprises me. “I don’t know,” I say honestly. “Poetry maybe?” I shrug. I used to scribble poems in my middle-school planner, the product of reading Shakespeare’s sonnets in class and listening to a whole lot of Panic! At the Disco. Getting back into it could be fun.

  “I think that would be really cool,” Patience says. It’s sincere, and while it’s far from an apology for the internship, the gesture is nice.

  I return a smile. “Thanks.” Patience nods. I look to Sam. “Are you an artist?”

  “I draw a little,” he says. His voice is soft in a way that tells me it’s a lot more than a little.

  We pass the next half hour in conversation about art and poetry and our plans for senior year. While it feels like an eternity, I notice Benjamin’s crying grow intermittent, and the conversation with Sam flows easily. Finally, Patience relaxes, her shoulders loosening as she scrolls on her phone.

  When she tells us the tornado warning has lifted, I leave the bathroom feeling like I’ve survived something.

  * * *

  “Thank you for that.” Sam’s followed me into my room, while Benjamin has returned to Patience’s room, and Patience to Mom’s. Sam doesn’t drop onto the bed this time.

  “What? Talking to you?” I shove my hands into my back pockets.

  “Distracting them from each other,” Sam says.

  “Well, it’s not like talking to you was a huge imposition for me,” I reply.

  He grins, and only now, not during the half-hour tornado warning, do I feel the currents of air in the room changing. It’s a nice grin, fuller on one half of his face in an inviting, genuine kind of way. “Glad to hear it,” he says.

  I’m about to face away from him, letting the pleasant moment pass, when I catch myself. I’ve allowed Patience to take from me and done nothing except enjoy how the weather inconvenienced her. Instead, I might be happier if I pursue what I want without worrying about what my sister does. It’s not just right to let this grudge go—I deserve to let it go, to dwell on new hopes instead of old wounds.

  I step closer to Sam. “I still think you’re cute. By the way.” His face furrows in confusion, which, I can confirm, is indeed cute. “Our first kiss didn’t erase it,” I clarify.

  He looks surprised, but not in a bad way.

  “Redo?” I propose.

  His smile relaxes, and his eyes sparkle, like he wasn’t expecting this but is completely into it. Delighted, even. I’m enjoying how my heart is pounding, the heady rush of him stepping closer to me.

  “I feel compelled to point out I don’t do that tongue thing anymore,” he murmurs, putting a hand on my hip.

  I laugh, hardly noticing when my hands find his waist in return. “Unfortunately,” I say, lifting my chin, “I do still drool.” I feel his grin widen, his lips a breath from mine.

  “I’ll take my chances.” He does, closing the distance and kissing me. I do too, and I love taking this chance. It’s delicious enough for me to forget everything else—flight times and work shifts and weather warnings.

  I realize instantly we’ve each learned a few things since our first kiss. He’s gentle yet not hesitant, his tongue brushing mine deliberately, like he’s proving what he can do. I deepen the kiss, directing instead of just enjoying. He wraps his arms around me, and I feel his fingertips against my shoulder blades. It’s not a long kiss, just long enough to know, yeah, there’s something here.

  We part.

  “Well,” Sam says.

  “Not bad,” I reply.

  “Far from terrible, really.”

  “Promising, at the very least.”

  Promising feels nice. It’s been a while since I’ve felt promising. I’m leaning in for a second go when I’m interrupted—we’re interrupted—by Benjamin’s voice from the doorway.

  “Seriously? Already? Were you just waiting for me to get dumped?”

  Sam releases me and faces his brother. He’s opening his mouth to reply when the sirens start up once more from our phones.

  With the way this day’s going, I find I’m not even frustrated or stressed by the outstandingly poor timing. I’m stifling a laugh.

  * * *

  This time, the tornado warning lasts for twenty minutes. I wind up covered in new cat scratches, and Sam tries for ten minutes to talk his brother down. It doesn’t work, and Benjamin climbs into the bathtub, drawing the shower curtain to hide himself from view. Patience returns to her phone. There’s no conversation, only me and Sam catching each other’s eyes, holding in our grins.

&nb
sp; When the sirens finally die down and our phones confirm the storm has passed, we file to the front door. Benjamin wordlessly stalks to his brother’s car. I survey the driveway and the sky. The damage doesn’t look heavy, and only the neighbors’ upended play structure and a few garbage cans look out of place. Leaves litter the waterlogged ground. It’s no longer raining, and sunlight filters past the clouds.

  Sam lingers in the doorway. “Should I call you, or did you only kiss me ‘just because’?” He studies my expression.

  I roll my eyes. “Call me,” I say, “and we’ll find out.”

  He kisses me, earning a labored moan from Benjamin in the front seat of Sam’s car.

  “Okay, then.” He flashes me a smile. I watch him walk the whole way down the drive, permitting myself to enjoy the view of his swimmer’s stride in skinny jeans. He circles his car, opens the driver’s door, and climbs inside.

  I close the door, finding Patience watching me uneasily from the other end of the room. “I found a red-eye,” she says stiffly, “so Mom can drive me when she gets home.”

  “Okay,” I reply.

  Patience sighs. My sister looks stressed, and I would guess it’s not just from the flight rescheduling. “I guess this storm was payback for what I did to you with the internship.” Her expression is fragile, like it’s finally hitting her she really hurt me.

  The thing is, over the past hours, I’ve let my resentment die down and drift off like the winds of the storm. Still, it’s nice of her to say. I shrug. “No, it wasn’t. Not even you deserved to be trapped in a bathroom with your ex.”

  Patience laughs, her face brightening like the lining of the clouds outside. “Looks like you had fun, though,” she says leadingly.

  I smile. “Yeah,” I say. I feel lighter somehow, and I realize it’s part of what’s nice about moving on. You’re freer to look forward. To imagine museum dates, poetry classes, and kisses.

  Maybe spending the summer stuck in Oklahoma won’t be the worst.